Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
