dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize