When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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