so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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