WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
