I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
