My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
