"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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