TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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