hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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