that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
