but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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