ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
