My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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