I think I am morally bankrupt
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
