Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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