Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
