I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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