Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
