you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
