I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
