You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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