Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
