this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
