I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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