He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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