I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
