if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
