I can't breathe out the right side of my face
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
