24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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