I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
