dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
