I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
