I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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