Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
