my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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