I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
