i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
