What did we do last night that was yellow?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
