Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize