I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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