Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
