I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
