i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
