I think im going to throw up on grandma
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
