So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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