So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
