sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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