I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
