Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
