im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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