i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
No stitches, just platelets and will power
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
