Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize