Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
